A. Cameron

Certainly Not an Isolated Occurance

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 20:30:02 GMT

How the hell do people think it's okay to let their little kids play with marbles?

The human body contains far too many important orifices for this practice to be even briefly considered safe.

Believe me, it is not fun for anyone.

A subtle hint.

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 16:56:51 GMT

I cleaned the whiteboard. Twice, actually.
The first time I cleaned it because had acquired a layer of grime as thick as a textbook. And the second time? Well, it just looked so inviting when it was clean that I . . . I drew all over it. No one really needed to know that though, oh well.

The moral of the story is, it's clean now.

So House when you feel like, oh I don't know, working, it's ready.

Hehe.

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 18:41:28 GMT

Diagnostics Team Pep Talk

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 20:29:51 GMT

Quack.

We are sitting ducks here, just waiting for hospital administration to shoot us down for lack of any significant contributions to the field of medicine.

Where has all the creativity gone? The clinic is bursting with the mundane. Not an unidentifiable illness to be found. Desperately we sort through colds and sprains, seeking the oh so elusive . . . unknown.

The New Jersey population has become blasé and we have become all but superfluous.

We must rally!

Somewhere out there I know that we are needed. Somewhere out there unanswered questions lurk. We must lay down our cross word puzzles, put aside our copies of last year's medical journals and seek those in need, hunt down those questions. We shall find, and we shall cure!

Our voices will be heard across the nation . . .

Please send sick people!

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 00:57:20 GMT

Uh, House?

Charity?
Dating?
People?

Are you feeling okay?

So damn innocent. Yeah, right.

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 21:43:38 GMT

She took a bite of her doughnut before going back to reading the e-mail. Sugar was of course the natural substitute for caffeine and when you add chocolate to the mix, well, Cameron was a happy camper. There were still several strands of toilet paper hiding about the office but she was really trying not to care.

She turned down the volume on the computer as her music began. Cameron was slightly worried about other people's reactions to the lyrics. It wasn't exactly a work appropriate album but she was alone. Alone in an office that had been, mere hours ago, covered in bathroom supplies and she needed to get the image of Chase in those awful scrubs out of her mind.

So love me gently with a chainsaw (chainsaw)
And take the glass against your wrists.
You know I am your worst nightmare,
Oh how you love my bloody kiss.

Cameron was actually saving her required clinic time for later. Soon the rest of the team would come traipsing back into the office, glaring and muttering about whatever had gotten on their nerves over the past few hours and Cameron would have the perfect excuse to duck out of the room. Yes, she was pretty pleased with her little plan.

Tell me your fantasies,
I'll make you believe,
That I really care.
I'll look into your eyes,
I'll tell you all my lies.
As I take you slow.

Felines, one happy little feline . . .

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 07:01:12 GMT

Let me begin by saying, I adore my cat.
She's wonderful, the sweetest creature ever. Anyway, I'm naming her Carmen. (House, you know the real reason but if anyone else asks she's named after the opera.)

I'm so happy that this worked out. It was great to come home today and have her greet me, purring and weaving around my ankles. I bought one of those huge, carpeted monstrosities that commonly go by the title Cat Tree. Carmen really loves it though, so it's completely worth it. Right now she's fast asleep on one of the platforms.

My apartment finally feels like home rather than just the place I sleep and keep my stuff.

Message left on House's answering machine:

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 05:52:42 GMT

Hey Greg, it's me. Me, Allison. Yeah.

(long pause)

I . . . I was wondering if I . . . could come over tonight. To your house. I wouldn't need to stay or anything and . . . and . . . you can say no. That is, if you don't want me to.

Ummm . . . Okay.

Call me. Please, call me.

Love you,
Bye.

Subject: Hellooooo!

Mon, 30 May 2005 19:54:56 GMT

To: Dr E. Foreman, Dr R. Chase
From: Dr A. Cameron

Hey boys,

We need to talk. Nothing serious or anything, just touch base.

Yeah, so, e-mail me, page me, or use one of the million other means of contact we have.

. . .

Or just come find me, I'll be in the library.

- Cam (Batgirl/Chase's loving space wife)

it's not like I can't feel you still

Sat, 28 May 2005 09:03:42 GMT

Cameron sat on her bed, cradling the necklace he had given her in her palm. It was so light that she could barely feel it's weight. She spread her fingers and let parts of it slip through them. It felt fluid, liquid. Cameron clenched her hand into a tight fist before the necklace could fall.

She didn't really know what to do with it. She'd been keeping it in the top drawer of her bedside table, but there it was both too close and too far away. Still clutching the necklace, Cameron leaned back against her pillows and stared up at the ceiling.

strange
Thought I knew you well

I'm sorry.
I am so sorry.
I wanted you to be something you're not. I wanted this to mean as much to you as it does to me.

Thought I had read the sky
Thought I had read a change
in your eyes

I promised that I wouldn't try to change you. It was absolutely true. You don't need to be fixed. Who cares if you're not perfect. And, even though you've tried to bury all of your incredible qualities, they're still there. For everyone but you to see. I hope that she can show them to you.
I promised that I didn't need to change you.

Now I want to change the way you feel about me. Sorry.

so strange
Woke up to a world
that I am
not a part
except when I can
play it's stranger

I didn't know that you love her.
She hurt you and you still love her. Would you forgive me? If I did that? No. Probably not.

Love doesn't leave. It clings in the shadows. I know this. I just never expected that you had those shadows. You hid them well.

After all what were you
really looking for and I wonder
when will I learn

I couldn't not try. You have to understand that. Know also that it was never a game. I was in it for the long run. For the . . . the word . . . that word . . . forever. Whatever the hell that means.

Forever.

Does that scare you? Never mind. It doesn't matter.

Blue isn't red
everybody knows this

Why couldn't someone have fucking told me! All you boys. The club, gang, lords of the hospital. Yeah, I know you were looking out for your friend but you failed.

and I wonder
when will I learn
when will I learn

I'm so tired of being a joke.

guess I was in
Deeper than I thought I was
if I have enough love
for the both of us

Apparently I can't love you enough.
I can't give you enough of myself. Enough to make you love me back.
It doesn't work that way.

I can't prove to you that we're worth it. Because that would be a lie. If she is the one, then you-and-me are nothing.

"just stay"
you said
"we'll build a nest"
so I left my
Life
Tried on your
friends
Tried on your
opinions
So when the Bridges froze
and you
did not come home
I put our snowflake
under a microscope

Did it mean anything? Us? Were we going somewhere? Or just banging our heads against a brick wall. That impenetrable force that we could never overcome. The next step that we never took.

After all what was I
really looking for and I wonder
when will I learn
Maybe my wish
knew better than I did

I've been in some terribly huge fantasy. Deluding myself. Ignoring the truth. You deserve reality.

and I wonder
when will I learn
when will I learn
guess I was in
Deeper than I thought I was
if I have enough love
for the both of us

If I had a chance to get back what I've lost, I wouldn't hesitate to seize it. You have that opportunity. It's not too late. Claim it.

You can't afford to loose more than you already have.

so strange now I'm finally in the
Party has begun
it's not like I can't feel you still
but strange
what I will leave behind

I want you to be happy.
I want you to be in love.
I wish I could have been that for you. Love. You are for me.

I should feel lucky.

you call me one more
time
but now I must
be leaving

[Private e-mail to Chase.] - It's violent, it's ugly, and it's messy.

Fri, 20 May 2005 23:23:44 GMT

To: Dr. R. Chase
From: Dr. A. Cameron

Hello Chase!

I found this article (in The New York Times) and just had to share it with you . . .

A Critic Takes On the Logic of Female Orgasm
By Dinitia Smith

Evolutionary scientists have never had difficulty explaining the male orgasm, closely tied as it is to reproduction.

But the Darwinian logic behind the female orgasm has remained elusive. Women can have sexual intercourse and even become pregnant - doing their part for the perpetuation of the species - without experiencing orgasm. So what is its evolutionary purpose?

Over the last four decades, scientists have come up with a variety of theories, arguing, for example, that orgasm encourages women to have sex and, therefore, reproduce or that it leads women to favor stronger and healthier men, maximizing their offspring's chances of survival.

But in a new book, Dr. Elisabeth A. Lloyd, a philosopher of science and professor of biology at Indiana University, takes on 20 leading theories and finds them wanting. The female orgasm, she argues in the book, "The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution," has no evolutionary function at all.

Rather, Dr. Lloyd says the most convincing theory is one put forward in 1979 by Dr. Donald Symons, an anthropologist.

That theory holds that female orgasms are simply artifacts - a byproduct of the parallel development of male and female embryos in the first eight or nine weeks of life.

In that early period, the nerve and tissue pathways are laid down for various reflexes, including the orgasm, Dr. Lloyd said. As development progresses, male hormones saturate the embryo, and sexuality is defined.

In boys, the penis develops, along with the potential to have orgasms and ejaculate, while "females get the nerve pathways for orgasm by initially having the same body plan."

Nipples in men are similarly vestigial, Dr. Lloyd pointed out.

While nipples in woman serve a purpose, male nipples appear to be simply left over from the initial stage of embryonic development.

The female orgasm, she said, "is for fun."

Dr. Lloyd said scientists had insisted on finding an evolutionary function for female orgasm in humans either because they were invested in believing that women's sexuality must exactly parallel that of men or because they were convinced that all traits had to be "adaptations," that is, serve an evolutionary function.

Theories of female orgasm are significant, she added, because "men's expectations about women's normal sexuality, about how women should perform, are built around these notions."

"And men are the ones who reflect back immediately to the woman whether or not she is adequate sexually," Dr. Lloyd continued.

Central to her thesis is the fact that women do not routinely have orgasms during sexual intercourse.

She analyzed 32 studies, conducted over 74 years, of the frequency of female orgasm during intercourse.

When intercourse was "unassisted," that is not accompanied by stimulation of the clitoris, just a quarter of the women studied experienced orgasms often or very often during intercourse, she found.

Five to 10 percent never had orgasms. Yet many of the women became pregnant.

Dr. Lloyd's figures are lower than those of Dr. Alfred A. Kinsey, who in his 1953 book "Sexual Behavior in the Human Female" found that 39 to 47 percent of women reported that they always, or almost always, had orgasm during intercourse.

But Kinsey, Dr. Lloyd said, included orgasms assisted by clitoral stimulation.

Dr. Lloyd said there was no doubt in her mind that the clitoris was an evolutionary adaptation, selected to create excitement, leading to sexual intercourse and then reproduction.

But, "without a link to fertility or reproduction," Dr. Lloyd said, "orgasm cannot be an adaptation."

Not everyone agrees. For example, Dr. John Alcock, a professor of biology at Arizona State University, criticized an earlier version of Dr. Lloyd's thesis, discussed in in a 1987 article by Stephen Jay Gould in the magazine Natural History.

In a phone interview, Dr. Alcock said that he had not read her new book, but that he still maintained the hypothesis that the fact that "orgasm doesn't occur every time a woman has intercourse is not evidence that it's not adaptive."

"I'm flabbergasted by the notion that orgasm has to happen every time to be adaptive," he added.

Dr. Alcock theorized that a woman might use orgasm "as an unconscious way to evaluate the quality of the male," his genetic fitness and, thus, how suitable he would be as a father for her offspring.

"Under those circumstances, you wouldn't expect her to have it every time," Dr. Alcock said.

Among the theories that Dr. Lloyd addresses in her book is one proposed in 1993, by Dr. R. Robin Baker and Dr. Mark A. Bellis, at Manchester University in England. In two papers published in the journal Animal Behaviour, they argued that female orgasm was a way of manipulating the retention of sperm by creating suction in the uterus. When a woman has an orgasm from one minute before the man ejaculates to 45 minutes after, she retains more sperm, they said.

Furthermore, they asserted, when a woman has intercourse with a man other than her regular sexual partner, she is more likely to have an orgasm in that prime time span and thus retain more sperm, presumably making conception more likely. They postulated that women seek other partners in an effort to obtain better genes for their offspring.

Dr. Lloyd said the Baker-Bellis argument was "fatally flawed because their sample size is too small."

"In one table," she said, "73 percent of the data is based on the experience of one person."

In an e-mail message recently, Dr. Baker wrote that his and Dr. Bellis's manuscript had "received intense peer review appraisal" before publication. Statisticians were among the reviewers, he said, and they noted that some sample sizes were small, "but considered that none of these were fatal to our paper."

Dr. Lloyd said that studies called into question the logic of such theories. Research by Dr. Ludwig Wildt and his colleagues at the University of Erlangen-Nuremberg in Germany in 1998, for example, found that in a healthy woman the uterus undergoes peristaltic contractions throughout the day in the absence of sexual intercourse or orgasm. This casts doubt, Dr. Lloyd argues, on the idea that the contractions of orgasm somehow affect sperm retention.

Another hypothesis, proposed in 1995 by Dr. Randy Thornhill, a professor of biology at the University of New Mexico and two colleagues, held that women were more likely to have orgasms during intercourse with men with symmetrical physical features. On the basis of earlier studies of physical attraction, Dr. Thornhill argued that symmetry might be an indicator of genetic fitness.

Dr. Lloyd, however, said those conclusions were not viable because "they only cover a minority of women, 45 percent, who say they sometimes do, and sometimes don't, have orgasm during intercourse."

"It excludes women on either end of the spectrum," she said. "The 25 percent who say they almost always have orgasm in intercourse and the 30 percent who say they rarely or never do. And that last 30 percent includes the 10 percent who say they never have orgasm under any circumstances."

In a phone interview, Dr. Thornhill said that he had not read Dr. Lloyd's book but the fact that not all women have orgasms during intercourse supports his theory.

"There will be patterns in orgasm with preferred and not preferred men," he said.

Dr. Lloyd also criticized work by Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, an emeritus professor of anthropology at the University of California, Davis, who studies primate behavior and female reproductive strategies.

Scientists have documented that orgasm occurs in some female primates; for other mammals, whether orgasm occurs remains an open question.

In the 1981 book "The Woman That Never Evolved" and in her other work, Dr. Hrdy argues that orgasm evolved in nonhuman primates as a way for the female to protect her offspring from the depredation of males.

She points out that langur monkeys have a high infant mortality rate, with 30 percent of deaths a result of babies' being killed by males who are not the fathers. Male langurs, she says, will not kill the babies of females they have mated with.

In macaques and chimpanzees, she said, females are conditioned by the pleasurable sensations of clitoral stimulation to keep copulating with multiple partners until they have an orgasm. Thus, males do not know which infants are theirs and which are not and do not attack them.

Dr. Hrdy also argues against the idea that female orgasm is an artifact of the early parallel development of male and female embryos.

"I'm convinced," she said, "that the selection of the clitoris is quite separate from that of the penis in males."

In critiquing Dr. Hrdy's view, Dr. Lloyd disputes the idea that longer periods of sexual intercourse lead to a higher incidence of orgasm, something that if it is true, may provide an evolutionary rationale for female orgasm.

But Dr. Hrdy said her work did not speak one way or another to the issue of female orgasm in humans. "My hypothesis is silent," she said.

One possibility, Dr. Hrdy said, is that orgasm in women may have been an adaptive trait in our prehuman ancestors.

"But we separated from our common primate ancestors about seven million years ago," she said.

"Perhaps the reason orgasm is so erratic is that it's phasing out," Dr. Hrdy said. "Our descendants on the starships may well wonder what all the fuss was about."

Western culture is suffused with images of women's sexuality, of women in the throes of orgasm during intercourse and seeming to reach heights of pleasure that are rare, if not impossible, for most women in everyday life.

"Accounts of our evolutionary past tell us how the various parts of our body should function," Dr. Lloyd said.

If women, she said, are told that it is "natural" to have orgasms every time they have intercourse and that orgasms will help make them pregnant, then they feel inadequate or inferior or abnormal when they do not achieve it.

"Getting the evolutionary story straight has potentially very large social and personal consequences for all women," Dr. Lloyd said. "And indirectly for men, as well."

- Cam

if that's what it takes to sail you home

Thu, 19 May 2005 21:58:28 GMT

(OOC: You have to know by now that whenever the music is Tori Amos it means that it's time for more Cameron angst. This one even has flashbacks. Hope you like it.)

During this past week Cameron had been able to keep Wilson's words at bay. There were patients to attend to, tests to run, nurses to talk to. Cameron had learned how to keep everything inside. Hide it from everyone, including herself. But eventually the dam she'd built would break and it would all come pouring out into her. Flooding her body and mind.

She was signing out of the Clinic when it broke. Cameron just stood there staring at her name. The pen fell from her fingers, clattered to the counter and rolled off somewhere. She shivered, wrapped her lab coat tightly around her and started walking. Cameron left the clinic and entered the hallway. She was acutely aware of a need to stay in motion, she couldn't stop because if she stopped she would never be able to start again.

Your dead husband.

Cameron moved quickly through the hallway, conscious of her surroundings just barely enough to keep her from running into something or someone.

There's nothing we can do.

That day she had met his parents for only the second time. Sitting there, gathered around their son's hospital bed they had shaken hands and exchanged a brief word. Cameron remembered watching them. They clung to each other as they spoke quietly to their son. Happily married for twenty five years. Twenty five years. She was still so jealous.

Allison, dear, would you give us a minute?

When they asked her to she had left the room but remained just outside it. This was their son. Cameron told herself that she was imagining their contempt. That it was all in her head. That they weren't privately wondering what the fuck she was doing, hanging about, ruining the time they had left with him. She told herself that they just weren't warm people. They didn't outwardly show affection. She had sat in the hallway for half an hour before tentatively creeping back in.

Where were you?

Just keep moving . . .
Cameron entered the stairwell and trudged up the steps. She stumbled onto the landing and kept going. She pushed the door open and came out into the next hallway. As long as she had her white coat on she could walk wherever she wanted, as fast as she wanted.

I've got the control all the time . . . what sort of cancer treatments a patient is going to under go, who's eligible for experimental trials . . . hell . . . life and death . . . I say it and it happens.

At the funeral she saw them one final time. They hugged her awkwardly. His mother's tear stained face is permanently etched into her memory. They sat next to each other, all three of them, exhausted and ashamed. Love, need, passion, desire, guilt. None of it had been enough to keep him alive.

She'd gone home in a daze. Empty, silent apartment. She took his favorite sweatshirt from under her pillow and put it on. It smelled like him. Cameron can remember exactly how it felt to have her legs give out, to sink to the floor, huddle into a corner and simply fall apart. She cried for hours.

Hi Alli, it's your dad. I guess you're not answering your phone right now. That's okay. I . . . I'll try again later or . . . when you get this message, please, please call me back. Okay. I'll talk to you soon. I love you.

By the time Cameron realized that she was heading for House's office she had calmed down a bit. Externally, that is. She was moving at a normal pace and she wasn't inexplicably freezing anymore. Besides, it was unlikely that anyone would be in the office at this time, Cameron vaguely remembered seeing House's name on the list of doctors currently in the clinic and with Chase off, Foreman would be too bored to remain alone in there for very long.

She was right. Nobody in sight. Cameron breathed a sigh of relief. She went to the bin where they kept mail and grabbed a large handful of unopened envelopes. She swung by the coat rack and pulled a CD out of her bag. Then she went into House's office and collapsed into his desk chair. Cameron tossed the letters onto the desk and slipped the CD into his computer. She leaned back, clutching the arm rests and closed her eyes.

these tears i've cried
i've cried 1000 oceans
and if it seems i'm
floating. in the darkness

well, i can't believe
that i would keep
keep you from flying
and i would cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes
to sail you home
sail you home
sail you home

i'm aware what the rules are
but you know that i will run
you know that i will follow you
over silbury hill
through the solar field
you know that i will follow you

and if i find you
will you. still remember
playing at the trains
or does this
little blue ball
just fade away

over silbury hill
through the solar field
you know that i will follow you
i'm aware what the rules are
but you know that i will run
you know that i will follow you

these tears i've cried
i've cried
1000 oceans
and if it seems i'm
floating
in the darkness

well, i can't believe
that i would keep
keep you from flying
so, i will cry
1000 more
if that's what it takes
to sail you home
sail you home
sail you home
sail..
sail you home

Oh man.

Sun, 15 May 2005 18:56:43 GMT

Cameron slunk into work, she kept her head down and avoided contact with everyone. The list of people who she didn't want to see was really astonishingly long. She headed for the lab under the pretense of checking on tests. It was by far the safest bet. Unfortunately Andy probably wouldn't let her hang around for the next ten years so eventually she would be required to face the music.

Face. Oh man. She'd really done it this time. This was bad. Far from the personal repercussions that surely came from hitting one's boyfriend there were professional issues to be considered. She hadn't even had the decency to do it in a private setting. Nope. Cameron had chosen a bustling patio.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

She felt like banging her head against a wall. Maybe if she did it hard enough she could knock herself unconscious and not have to deal with this until she woke up. This was the level of desperation that Allison Cameron felt as she crept through disused hallways and stairwells.

There was, however, yet another problem with her plan. There were so many, many tests that Cameron regularly needed to consult the patient's files to keep them straight. In this case 'every test known to man' was barely an exaggeration. So, she had to swing by the office.

Cameron approached slowly, she peered around the corner. It was empty! She couldn't believe her luck. Quickly she slipped in and snagged the file. Then she looked up at the whiteboard. She froze. Wilson. Wilson. Wilson. Cameron put the file back. There was no way she could hide now. Dejectedly she made her way down to the gym.

Yes. Even Cameron is Curious.

Tue, 10 May 2005 00:17:38 GMT

Cameron had been flitting through the hospital all day, never staying in one place long. She had noticed, early on, that there was something decidedly odd going on. But, that was akin to remarking that there seemed to be an awful lot of sick people about. In other words . . . duh.

Still, this didn't feel like the normal hospital drama. No. Similar but bigger. Cameron watched people scurry around and there seemed to be a thread of tension running through all of them. Nurses, Interns, Residents and Doctors, all equally . . . something. Well, with all those parties involved that had to mean that the tension was trickling down from somewhere high up on the food chain.

The department heads.

House, Wilson, Pearce, McKay etc. The boys club. Fabulous. That meant that, right now, her only possible way of getting reliable information was through House and, from what she had observed, he held onto their fraternity secrets pretty tightly.

She wasn't normally interested in the personal affairs of others. In fact, Cameron often looked down upon those who were. But something, an instinct or a hunch, told her that this could be important. Or at least, well worth knowing.

Cameron sat down on a bench in a corridor on the second floor. She'd just have to wait. Wait until the situation exploded. Then she could collect the shattered pieces and fit them together. Big news (gossip) at PPTH often came in the form of a massive jigsaw puzzle.

She flipped open her laptop and sent an e-mail to Foreman. Cameron thought about contacting Chase as well but with his grand parents coming it seemed like he didn't need to be bothered with her petty concerns.

To: Dr. Foreman
From: Dr. Cameron

There's something strange going on.
Do you feel it?
Do you have any information?

- Cam

To: House

Fri, 06 May 2005 22:30:43 GMT

So . . . this big, giant excuse to watch trained professionals make complete fools of themselves is tonight.

Would you like to pick me up?
Lets say, 8:30.

~~It also means that you can't leave early. Ha.~~

Memo to Dr. Foreman, Dr. Chase, Dr. House

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 19:58:45 GMT

Where is everyone?

Never was a Cornflake Girl . . .

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 08:21:17 GMT

Life is good.

Okay more than good. I'm in some kind of insane euphoria. If I don't stop grinning soon either Chase or Foreman is going to write one of their little mock symptom lists up on the whiteboard and pretend to diagnose me. And, come to think of it, the chances that an action as conspicuous as closing all of the usually wide open blinds would go unnoticed is highly unlikely. There's no such thing as a secret here. Although, I digress, we were kind of asking for it. There's a whole world outside of PPTH, I think we forget that sometimes.

Oh man, I hope no one thinks we . . . no, they couldn't.

I want this to work so badly.

I'll be the first to admit that it's going to be challenging but, I'm sure it's worth it. He's worth it.

I just can't help feeling guilty . . .
I never imagined something like this would happen. It wasn't supposed to. I wasn't supposed to move on.

Damn. There goes the euphoria.

General Hospital

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 21:09:18 GMT

I say this with the utmost respect for everyone at PPTH but,

What the hell is going on?!?

I feel like I'm working in a freaking soap opera. Pretty soon someone's evil twin is going to show up.

Okay, just had to express my complete and utter . . . I don't even know . . . about the whole situation. I'll do something productive now.

Memo to Dr. House and all other concerned parties

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 21:28:18 GMT

There is nothing, I repeat nothing wrong with the burger.
It is perfectly normal, well, it's slightly undercooked but other than that it's fine.
So, no cause for alarm.

The word yellow wandered through her mind in search of something to connect with.

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 07:48:41 GMT

Okay, this may sound like an odd question but, does anyone know anything about paint?

My bathroom walls are this sickening yellow colour. It reminds me of The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman. I've been meaning to repaint them since I moved into my apartment. Tonight I was brushing my teeth and I looked around the room and decided that it's time to do something about it. The problem is, I'm afraid that I'll just pick some equally appalling colour to replace the yellow with.

I know this might seem flippant but . . . I need help.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

And Foreman? Have you gotten Cindy's test results back yet?

the way i'm left here silent

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 09:45:55 GMT

Cameron stood by her bedroom window watching the sky. It was getting to be well past 2 AM and she knew that she would regret not sleeping tomorrow morning. But, she supposed, it was in fact already technically morning so it was too late anyway.

yellow bird flying
gets shot in the wing
good year for hunters
and christmas parties

I think there might be something fundamentally wrong with me. Seriously. I'm not exactly sure what, but there is definitely something very wrong. Why can't I care about someone who's just normal?

What is normal anyway? I guess I should figure that out before I go about looking for it.

and i hate
and i hate
and i hate
and i hate elevator music
the way we fight
the way i'm left here silent

I hate that he makes me second guess everything I do. Everything I say. Everything I think.
I hate that I want him to respect me.
I hate his stupid soap opera.
I hate his handwriting.
I hate that I can't sleep.
I hate that friendship is simply not enough. And I think I've just shot anything more to hell.
I hate pain. His pain.
I hate myself.

oh these little earthquakes
here we go again
these little earthquakes
doesn't take much to
rip us into pieces

When did this get so hard? I remember when I was a kid and the simplest little thing could make it all better. I want that back. At least I want to know where it went.

we danced in graveyards
with vampires till dawn
we laughed in the faces of kings
never afraid to burn

I thought that being a doctor would give me all the answers, solve all my problems. I thought I could save people. I probably thought I could save the world. All I ever manage to fix is the body, the package. Maybe that's all we are. Just a collection of cells. I hoped that doctors knew.

and i hate
and i hate
and i hate
and i hate disintegration
watching us wither

I don't want to give up.
I'm not ready.

You're really that angry, aren't you? I doubted it. I don't anymore.

black winged roses
that safely changed their COLOR

I never look at things anymore. I mean really look, try to see. Flowers. The ultimate cliché but still, flowers. How long has it been since I actually saw flowers just to see flowers. Not because they were there but because I wanted to look at them.

oh these little earthquakes
here we go again
these little earthquakes
doesn't take much to
rip us into pieces

I wish I were stronger. I want to be able to just forget and move on. I can't let go.

i can't reach you
can't reach you
give me life
give me pain
give me myself again

I was so sure. I always am right before I crash and burn. I've done things that people tell me are huge mistakes. The most amazing, beautiful, perfect, horrible, painful things come from mistakes. It was inevitable but when it really happened, I wanted to die with him. I was so sure. I was going to save the world, make up for the one I couldn't save. I was so sure. But now I'm back to square one. It wasn't going to happen again, never. I was so sure. I guess that is what's wrong with me.

oh these little earthquakes
here we go again
these little earthquakes
doesn't take much to
rip us into pieces

Beetlejuice

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 06:59:32 GMT

Dear House,

Don't think I didn't see you walking out of Oncology with Wilson's worst tie dangling out of your pocket. Well, it's not going to work. I know all your office hiding places and I know where you keep the really sharp scissors. I refuse to go to the dinner on the arm of Beetlejuice. If you do not surrender the tie and borrow/beg/buy a better one, I will be forced to take action. It will not be pretty. When you least expect it . . . snip!

If you do decide to ignore my request and wear that abomination to pick me up, I will cut it off on the drive to the dinner. And don't think that will mean you don't have to wear any tie, no, no, no, I will be ready with a replacement. Yes I own ties, yes I know how to tie them. So please, return the tie, find a nicer one and we can forget the whole thing ever happened.

- Cameron

P.S.
Wilson. Wilson . . . Wilson. Really, how could you? Is it not bad enough to own such a monstrosity of a tie? Must you share it with your friends?

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 21:17:06 GMT

I heard that someone had a map of the hospital's vending machines.
I need dark chocolate, where should I go?

Cameron's song

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 07:57:52 GMT

had a northern lad
well not exactly had
he moved like the sunset
god who painted that
first he loved my accent
how his knees could bend
i thought we'd be ok
me and my molasses
but i feel something is wrong
but i feel this cake just isn't done
don't say that you don't
and if you could see me now
said if you could see me now
girls you've got to know
when it's time to turn the page
when you're only wet because of the rain
you know it's time to change
he don't show much these days
it gets so fucking cold
i loved his secret places
but i can't go anymore
"you change like sugar cane"
says my northern lad
i guess you go too far
when pianos try to be guitars
i feel the west in you
and i feel it's falling apart too
don't say that you don't
and if you could see me now
said if you could see me now
girls you've got to know
when it's time to turn the page
when you're only wet because of the rain
you know it's time to change
when you're only wet
because of the rain

Music

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 19:05:07 GMT

I finally caved and bought headphones for the computer. I know that it's not the most professional thing to do but if I'm going to be spending as much time as I do in cyberspace I'm going to need something more interesting to listen to. The grinding of the coffee machine just doesn't do it for me. I figure that if even House is considerate enough to use headphones then I should too. Not on that little TV mind you but for music. I'm not sure if he knows that we've all seen him huddle into his office and listen to music. I think it's a good outlet.

So no more pencil tapping (Chase) or cane tapping (House) or any other tapping whatsoever.

Maybe I should get a pair for that lab tech, Wenner. It probably wouldn't hurt for him to relax a bit. I was sure he was going to start throwing vials at me last time I went into the lab. Was I supposed to know that he was running time sensitive tests? He didn't exactly go out of his way to make that fact know, like locking the door or even putting up a sign.

I don't know how some of these people who send e-mails even hear about House. I hate having to turn them away. How do I tell a parent that the man they thought would save their child simply isn't interested?

There's one case that has been sitting in the in-box for a week now and I can't figure out what to do with it. I was thinking of sending it to Dr. Wilson but I couldn't do that to him. He's completely swamped and he'd still take the case. Besides, I know that there's more going on with him than just a demanding job. He was sleeping in the library a few nights ago. That can't be good.